I hope you enjoyed yesterday’s post, WhAt MeN WaNt Part 1 found it enlightening or even put it to the test. If you haven’t already, please check it out. I’ve been told it’s a great read. Oh yea, I couldn’t get away from this pic of this extremely sexy man. Yesterday he was reaching out with his right hand, today it’s his left. Whew he’s fine!!! Ok ladies, let’s dive right in.
Ladies, ladies, ladies, I know we all have our issues that stem from experiences in our pasts, environments, upbringing, families, and relationships. We’ve all been hurt or disappointed before, in some way or another, which means that if we’ve not dealt with “it”, more than likely, we’re BaGgAgE HaNdLeRs, some of us carry around more than others. And there are those of us (the numbers are alarming) that have some deep rooted insecurities as a result of all of the above.
But men want exactly what women want—a whole partner. Sane and emotionally healthy men want to be with women that are sane and emotionally healthy, or as close to it as possible, considering we’re all a work in progress. But anger, bitterness, desperation, insecurity, and emotional dependency are amongst some of the reasons that relationships/marriages are unstable, failing and ending.
Do YOU for relationship’s sake
Men thrive on being wanted and needed by their partners as we discussed in WhAt MeN WaNt PaRt 1, and they enjoy and appreciate you, the relationship that you’ve built, and the time that you spend together as a couple. But they also want their women to be self-sufficient and have their own identities. Let me just say, I learned this the hard way, in my own marriage. You fall in love with your lover and best friend, and what we desire to do, every single day, is to share our entire world and life with them; all of the space in the house, every single breath we take, moment in the day (if possible), every experience, and activity that takes place. And nothing is wrong with that, until you find that you’ve literally lost yourself in your relationship. You no longer identify with being anything outside of his girlfriend/wife—oh, and we’re not even talking about being a mommy right now. But you get to a point, where you don’t know what interests you, or what you enjoy, or what you even want anymore, as an individual.
For all you single, not-so-single, and taken ladies, this post is for you. And just so you know, that picture up there is for me. ;-) Anyway, I decided to do a little research about some questions that has run across every woman’s mind at one point or another about their man…WhAt MeN WaNt!
Hey SmF Fam!! I’m up this morning writing to you all after laying my head on my pillow at four am this morning. That’s nuts, I know. But I would not have traded one minute of sleep for what was transpiring last night.
Alright, maybe the last 30 minutes or so, because we were clowning, but for the most part, my sisters and I were sowing words of wisdom and correction and inspiring someone we loved, to just do better.
I plan to keep this post short this morning as I struggle to keep my eyes open. It’s just not one of those days that coffee can fix. My neck is all tensed up. I’m a little delirious and need a nap, but I’m not sure when I’ll be able to get that in, seeing that I have a jam-packed day, today. Hmm…maybe I do need to start the Keurig. Okay ladies, give me 10 minutes.
I needed more like 20 minutes to get myself together, but I’m now sipping on a cup of fogchaser, heavy French vanilla cream with two generous scoops of sugar, and I’m feeling preeeetty alert right now.
Soooo about last week’s post “CoInCiDeNtAlLy YoU!” , yea…uhm…that will be a NO. There were quite a few text messages exchanged yesterday, and he was saying waaaay to much, waaaay too fast, and threw up waaaay too many red flags. Just as I suspected, there was no way, I could move forward with this guy.
Hey ladies!!! So glad you stopped by. I want to apologize, I missed last Friday’s post (not on purpose of course), because some things came up unexpectedly. But I’m sure you know that comes with the SiNgLe MoMmY territory. It’s certainly the irony (if you will), behind the FiLeS…even though I take this new blogging gig seriously, I post as often as a woman wearing a lot of hats, carrying a full plate in one hand and juggling a number of responsibilities in the other, would. Ahhh my life…you gotta’ see the irony in that.
I tweeted earlier yesterday morning that I had left my computer which meant Monday’s post would be delayed. I sat on set with TJ for approximately eight hours, with no way to work on the blog or accomplish anything for that matter. I would not have left it, if it was actually at my place, but I couldn’t explain (hence 140 characters) that I had mistakenly left it at a friend’s house.
We left the studio in a hurry and I took care of some banking before heading home. Luckily TJ and I had eaten quite a bit on set, so I didn’t have to worry about dinner just yet. I made it through my doors, immediately shed my day clothes and jumped into some comfortable loungamas (my work-at-home attire; not quite pajamas but not quite appropriate to wear outside), ready to attack the blog, when I realized I never picked up my darn computer. UGH!!!
…..20 minutes later, I was back home and in front of my computer only to discover the annoying little yellow triangle with the black exclamation point in the middle, over my wireless bars; a friendly reminder that I wouldn’t have my new AT&T internet service until after 8:00pm PST (which I found to be a very random time of the day).
After waiting patiently for the clock to strike 8 and performing several reboots, I would learn 12 hours later, after a conversation with a CSR on a long technical support call, that AT&T had the incorrect address, an order would have to be rewritten and I wouldn’t have internet for another three business days.
SiNgLe MoMmY FiLeS - “VeGaS BaBy!”
I just want to make sure you’ve taken my advice and made some “I’m DoInG Me” plans wherever you are in the world. I did! In fact, several of my girlfriends are on our way to VEGAS to celebrate one of their birthdays!!! I’m waiting on the Mercedes Sprinter van as I type. I’m so excited, I don’t know what to do with myself!!!
OtHeR PoStS YoU ShOuLd ReAd:
There’s always sooo much on my plate as a SiNgLe MoMmY! Remember I told you in “FiRsT StEpS” that I’m a full-time SUPER-mom, which is the ultimate job of the universe. I find myself cooking, cleaning, wiping noses and tears, teaching responsibility, encouraging creativity and learning, cultivating gifts, discouraging bad behavior, chastening, and loving unconditionally, day in and day out.
Parenting is one of thee most demanding responsibilities for a mother and a father, but when a mother finds herself being a stand-in dad too, the load is much heavier. And let me just say that my hat is off to any woman that is raising more than one child alone…I can only imagine what your days are like.
Sadly, SiNgLe MoMmIeS are not Appreciated & Respected as we should be at times, by our children, in our homes or in society, for that matter. Look at what the following except from an article—based on a survey—had to say about those of us who have no other choice but to take care of our kids with minimal-to-no help:
Americans, when they think of single mothers, don’t think of a woman who is financially secure, who made a decision to have a child, who has the time and the social support to provide that child with a safe home. They’re thinking about women abandoned by their husbands who may love their children deeply but because of the need to make a living can’t devote as much time to them as perhaps they should, or want to.
Sad right?! I know, and that’s a much bigger issue than I want to discuss right now. I just wanted to bring it to your attention. But if most of you are like me, thanks to my “No HaTeRs AlLoWeD” mentality, you could care less about what other people think. However, we are definitely affected by the lack of appreciation and respect in our own homes.
Hey ladies and gentlemen!!! I hope you’re still enjoying SiNgLe MoMmY FiLeS! I appreciate your support whether you’re visiting for the first time or have been supporting since the beginning with “FiRsT StEpS.”
I realized that I had to give myself a quick mental break from all this talk about “LoVe UnCoMpLiCaTeD” and focus on something more significant than my life in all its “SiNgLeNeSs.” At such a vulnerable state (i.e. thee time of the month), it was starting to wear me down hence the post “CaTcH 22.”
What could be more notable than my emotional tug-o-war with my desire to be single….wait no, married…uh…maybe single again? MoMmYhOoD! Yes, I LOVE being TJ’s mom! It’s a responsibility I do not take for granted. And it’s the one hat that I’m honored to wear day in and day out.
But I also have to admit, that it became one of my most challenging roles the day I decided to divorce. Obviously, the dynamics of our family structure changed. My son would no longer grow up in a household with his mom and dad. It was different financially. I was solely responsible for the two of us; the roof over our head, whereas his dad responsibility was to support in whatever capacity he could. I would be there 90% of the time physically and emotionally, and his dad would take up 10% of the slack on his only day off work—no fault of his own.
Now, I said I wasn’t going to focus on my personal dilemma in this post, but let me just say this and I’m done (for today), I’m sure if you’re reading this, you can relate, if not, at least imagine, that raising my son as a single parent—by default—takes the worst toll on me as a woman than the lack of male companionship, the desire to be married and make love does, because I never thought I would be parenting alone…yet here I am.
Okay, so I really thought that it was time for me to dedicate an entire post to a sensitive subject that I’m sure a lot of us women know all about. Regardless of what team you’re representing; single, taken, married, or divorced; you’ve probably discussed it or have been blamed for doing it by a man at some point. And it’s something SiNgLe MoMmY FiLeS has coined as “BaGgAgE HaNdLeRs.”
Those of you that kept up with the “WrOnG MiStEr” series, particularly PaRt 2, you would know that I’m not talking about a Samsonite rolling suitcase or a TravelPro carry-on. I’m referring to the emotional and psychological issues that we women “allegedly” carry from one bad break-up or nasty divorce into a new and improved relationship.
First let me say, I can’t speak for every one of you, but I know that I have definitely been responsible for carrying baggage around. In fact, I accumulated a lot of it over the years, and walked away from the wasband and a six year marriage with a whole set of luggage, garment bag and all, which was more than I had to begin with. But, I also knew that if I wasn’t careful with my baggage and if I didn’t take the time needed to sort it out—hence my four year, 3 month hiatus—then I was definitely going into a new relationship with some serious, serious personal issues.
Issues…what issues you ask? Well for one and for two, my preconceived ideas and beliefs, and for three, trust or the lack thereof. Now ladies, if you’ve ever been cheated on, lied to, hurt, betrayed, or abused in any way (God forbid), in a past relationships, then you definitely left that situation with baggage.
Soooo, I’m not denying the fact that we, women, may all be very well guilty. I certainly am. What bothers me is the fact that most men believe that we are solely responsible for doing it. It has come up in several conversations with my male counterparts, and they have all stereotypically associated “BaGgAgE HaNdLiNg” with women, just like with the ThIrStInEsS.
Hey ladies and gentlemen!!! So glad you’re back. I decided to start posting SiNgLe MoMmY FiLeS later in the day because most of you weren’t able to read the blog until after you got home from work. This way I won’t have to bug people with multiple FB posts and tweets. I always include links to posts at the end, so please check them out, if you haven’t already.
So anyway, “WrOnG MiStEr” PaRt 8 didn’t quite end the way most people expected it to, not even me. I guess when it was all said and done; the story was a lot sadder on paper than it was in reality. Now don’t get me wrong, I was seriously heart-broken when I noticed that things were starting to change between us.
Really, how could MiStEr with all is glorious qualifications—physically attractiveness (body like a chiseled sculpture), cultural diversity (intriguing foreigner with a sexy accent), spirituality (a must for me), academic advancement (three degrees), financial stability (six figure salary)—who was also very loving, attentive, charming and romantic, start off to be such a gentleMAN—carrying me over puddles and everything—end up being such a jerk?!?
I knew one thing for sure, after I tried talking to him about it, I wasn’t going to waste any more of my time trying to figure it out. When I finally decided to WiSh “WrOnG MiStEr” 8 the best and move on, I was certain it was the right thing to do, for me.
I’m sure you may know me a little bit more by now, I would much rather be completely happy alone, than miserable with any man. I’m at a point in my life that I know exactly what I’m not willing to deal with—in any relationship—period. I have the few guys I dated before marriage, my wasband of almost six years, and even “WrOnG MiStEr” 2 to thank for lessons learned.
Now being that our relationship was strictly long distance, we arranged to see each other again for a few days that October. It was really all we could muster up with our crazy work schedules. But we realized we had to make time for each other—even if it was only for a few days every month—in order to make things work.
Ladies, let me just say, I could not have asked for a better MiStEr to work it out with. I had thee best time ever (in a long time) because he made sure of it when we hooked up. It was all about moi. He was very accommodating and attentive and loving AND just as charming and romantic as he was on our first date…there were walks in the park along the river, an expensive candlelit dinner, some bottle popping, shopping, we worked out together, we watched sports, we laughed, we talked…I was loving me some him, so much so, I even started learning one of his native languages, Yes, the man had me speaking his language.
Hey ladies AND gentlemen!!! Sooo here we are again, and I want you to know I appreciate you stopping by. I’m always optimistic that there are a new set of eyes visiting. And as you may know from the title, this is PaRt 5, which means there is a PaRt 1, PaRt 2, PaRt 3, and PaRt 4 to the WrOnG MiStEr series, that you may want to get caught up on, before you go any further. Better yet, just click HoMe and get caught up on what SiNgLe MoMmY FiLeS is all about. You can check out how it all got started in FiRsT StEpS.
Picking up where we left off…my bestie waited for my response to his request for my number, but all the pondering I did, for as long as I could, was really to make MiStEr himself wait. I mean, it was only fair considering he didn’t ask for my number at the restaurant, which made me think he wasn’t interested, and ultimately made my heart sink.
I am not kidding you, by the time she sent the reply; it felt like only a millisecond had gone, when my phone rang. “It’s him, isn’t it?!” she squealed, rubbing her match-making hands together in pure delight. I looked at my blackberry display, smiled from ear to ear, and pushed the ignore button. “I can’t talk to him right now, I’m driving,” I said nonchalantly as my heart raced nervously <~this is probably where my son gets his acting from *takes A bow* now back to the story.
At that moment, in my mind, I was thinking about the two sets of ears in the back of my truck that would have made it their mission impossible to listen in on my conversation. And, I’m not going to lie to you ladies, I was a little nervous to talk to him on the phone. I know…I know…why would I be, when we had such a great conversation with one another the whole day?
I don’t know, maybe that was just it. We talked about everything, what else was left to be said? I was sort of afraid of that. Or maybe, I hadn’t made it this far in the story yet. I was one of those people that had to have things figured out (if not all the way, pretty much so), be two steps ahead, and know exactly where I was going. And as far as I was concerned, we were never going to lay eyes on one another, because he and spokeswoman made me wait for four months. I thought the dream was over.
Hey Ladies!! I’m always excited for you to stop by. If you’re visiting SiNgLe MoMmY FiLeS for the first time, you should really check out: SiNgLe MoMmY FiLeS - “WrOnG MiStEr” PaRt 1 and SiNgLe MoMmY FiLeS - “WrOnG MiStEr” PaRt 2 before you go any further, but it’s totally up to you.
»»>Fast forward»»> It’s now April 2011, Easter Sunday to be exact. Some friends and I met for lunch after church. We enjoyed our Chinese cuisine and each other’s company as much as we could with all of our kids at the other end of the table.
I was in the middle of confessing that I had relapsed on an old guilty pleasure of mine and had shamefully gone back to watching 16 and Pregnant again. I was obviously hooked on a ridiculously scripted reality show that inadvertently promoted teen pregnancy and gave me the same front row seat in the labor and delivery room that Baby Stories (a more appropriate show with adults) once did. But I did notice this time around I wasn’t shedding as many tears, if any. Perhaps, because I was thinking that having another baby wasn’t as good of an idea without a potential mate/husband—which I was far from getting being off the market and all.
Well anyway, out of the blue, one of the ladies mentioned that they knew a good friend of their family that was single. For a second, in the back of mind, I wondered had she heard that annoying clock of mine blaring away on the inside, because I never mentioned that I was looking for anyone. And then I thought, a friend of a friend has a good friend that she wants to introduce me to…this was exactly what I wanted. I sat up straight in my chair and leaned in. She had my full undivided attention.
“I wish I knew what type of men you’re attracted to,” she said (I’m paraphrasing), “he’s a good-looking guy, in my opinion.” Okay, check, I thought. “He’s very athletic and has this soccer player’s body, very muscular, no body fat. He definitely has a six pack.” Hmm, I murmured out loud by accident. “He has his Ph.D.” Check. “He’s really a genius in his field and he has a great job.” Check. “He’s never been married and doesn’t have kids.” Check and check.”
Okay, so remember when I mentioned that my plight transitioning into the next phase of my life…to date or not to date…was going to be an interesting ride? Well, the first time I decided to buckle my seatbelt, the ride was just that…interesting.
So one unsuspecting night, I met a man through a mutual friend, not with the purpose of getting to know him or even dating, we both just happened to be in the same place at the same time and hit it off. I remember vividly, having a pretty heated debate about dating, relationships, marriage and everything before, after and in-between.
I had my strong convictions about men and the issues they seemed to bring to the table, like their lack of communication, irresponsibility, selfishness, superficial attraction to women, infidelity, etc. (my source? Experience and countless stories from other women I knew). And he shared a few of his biggest hang-ups with women, which was their thirstiness (see, I told you this came up a lot in conversations with men), gold digging (yes, apparently there is such a woman out there that only goes after men with money), and our baggage handling (and I don’t mean a Samsonite carry-on or rolling suitcase ladies). I’m talking about the emotional baggage that “allegedly” only we women take from our failed relationships and bring onboard our new and improved relationships. And just so you know, I made up the term “baggage handling,” but give it some time, I’m sure it’ll end up on the ‘Ridiculous List of Urban Stereotypes for Women’ soon enough.
So anyway, that night, we presented strong cases, heard each other out, respected each other’s opinion, and in the end pretty much agreed to disagree on most things (mainly the stereotypes), just as I expected. By the time the white flag was thrown into the battle of the sexes, I noticed how great of a smile he had. I admired his winning personality, it was refreshing. I enjoyed his conversation and respected his ability to stand his ground with me as a man…I was actually attracted to someone for the first time in four years.