Whew!! This weekend was H—E—double hockey sticks for me. First off, it is that dreaded time of the month, which has consisted of some pill-popping (Excedrin that is), for the pain; moping and whining, for the pain; and plenty of high heating pad usage, for the pain. I finally took the time to research whether or not the heat from the pad was frying my precious ovaries. Lucky for me, and everyone else around, it’s recommended.
With the onslaught of debilitating uterus contractions aka CRAMPS!!!, I’ve been tortured with lower back pain, a migraine or two or seven, some bloating, weight gain, a pimple here and there, and a hormonal imbalance where at any given moment, without warning, I’m liable to snap at an innocent victim or break down and cry about everything or nothing at all…it depends. I mean, it’s a reoccurring nightmare, every single month.
And ladies, I’m so ashamed to admit this—but I have to, so I can sleep Continue reading Catch 22: When They’re Old Enough To Be Your Dad
As promised, here’s part 2 of the SiNgLeNeSs post. Please check out: SiNgLe MoMmY FiLeS – “SiNgLeNeSs” Pt. 1, if you haven’t already. The rest of you please follow me.
So, I had a pretty interesting weekend. Despite the high temps, clear skies and sun (that people took full advantage of), I laid around disorientated, drinking tea, somewhat comforted, yet slightly disturbed by a heating pad, and too lazy to Google whether or not having it on high could possibly fry my ovaries … sounds crazy right? I know. I get that way sometimes and it’s not my fault—as I have tried to explain to men—I was at the mercy of Mother Nature who showed up this month with a vengeance. She had her foot in my lower back it seemed and she made me miserable and irritated and found new ways to torture me…sort of the same way a mother-in-law does. I know, I know, that’s not nice, but it’s the truth, for many.
Remember early on in the SiNgLeNeSs post when I mentioned that I realized “I had become content with being–a single woman?” I had, but it wasn’t an easy process on any level, as I’m sure some of you can attest or argue. But for me, it was more so having to take care of my son as a single mom–by default, not necessarily choice—and failing at the thing that represented a defining moment in my life. The being alone part hurt deeply at times, considering that I married with the intention of forever.
So trust me, I understand what being alone feels like. I’ve lived it, walked it out, and slept that way for over four years (and still counting). I’m not implying that being single is ideal for everyone. It isn’t for me. Let me tell you, I wanted to be in love, someone’s wife, and an angel’s mother–more than anything in the world–as far back as I can remember (elementary school to be exact). It was then, that I fell in love with the first boy of my dreams…I’ll call him N.B. for short. In my mind, we were destined to be married, have 2.5 children, live in a house with a white picket fence, and a little dog, and live happily ever after.
I didn’t marry my first love aka my middle school and high school boyfriend surprisingly, but a couple of boyfriend’s, break-ups, and heartaches later, I did fall in love with another young man who would become my friend, first husband, the father of my child, enemy, ex, and friend again, all within a six year period.
Granted after divorce I really wasn’t pressed to be in a relationship. Honestly, I wasn’t up for trusting another man with my heart. I was broken, a little bitter, disgusted with men…and tired of the hurt that they all seemed to have caused at some point in my life. Then, above all, I had my son to care for and a lot to think about; I was real grown with someone depending solely on me. And I knew my decisions—good or bad—would ultimately affect his life.
I had no plans of casually dating OR sexing with anyone–which seemed to be most men’s objective (let me just say, I am not man-bashing, so men, if the shoe doesn’t fit, it’s not yours). I refused to deal with another man’s lies, infidelity, immaturity, irresponsibility, or baby mama drama at the expense of my own deserved happiness. And just so you know, I dealt with four out of the five (of the above) with a divorced man I had met after mine was finalized. We weren’t even in a relationship and he was still clowning, so I was good with all of that. I had decided that I would not allow anyone else to hurt me. I was guarding my heart, which I realized was just the first phase of singleness for me. There was obviously a lot of healing that needed to take place, baggage I had to start unloading, and responsibility I had to take for my part in my failed marriage before I would ever be ready for another relationship.
As time went on, singleness would taunt me. I could barely watch love stories (my favorite genre), or watch a couple’s PDA, or enjoy a married couple’s company, without yearning for love. Loneliness was robbing me of my happiness and peace yet again, just as my failing marriage had, and I could not allow myself to experience that all over again.
I refused to put on a front and be miserable married, celebrating anniversary after anniversary, just to say I was married–which is why I chose divorce–and I was certain that I wouldn’t be that way, single either. So I fought for what belonged to me. I prayed. I cried. I prayed some more. Some battles I lost to broken-heartedness, disbelief, and depression. Some battles…I won…because I had to…for my son and my sanity. And needless to say, I would not have made it through without my own personal relationship with God—not a man.
Eventually, my wounds healed, and some scars faded, and my load got a little lighter. When I thought about it, I wasn’t happy in the end being married. Neither was I happy after it was all said and done, being single. And, it wasn’t just a matter of being with the right or wrong person, it was a matter of me; not him or them, but me finding my own happiness and my own peace and pursuing it. It was then, that I realized two things. 1) Happiness was not guaranteed based on my marital status and 2) I was the one in control of it. I’m throwing in number three for free; 3) Either I was going to be happy or not, whether I was single or not. Point. Blank. Period. It was my choice and my decision to embrace self-fulfillment–the ability to make yourself happy and complete through your own efforts.
So I’m saying this again, YES you can live without a man and be happy, really happy, for as long as you choose, but you cannot truly live without self-fulfillment, single or not.
Okay, so I was in the process of writing Part 2 of the SiNgLeNeSs post– which by the, if you haven’t yet, you could read here: SiNgLe MoMmY FiLeS – “SiNgLeNeSs” Pt. 1–when I was distracted by a thought. I’m going to get back to that post don’t worry, but first I wanted to tackle a sensitive subject—or as my girl Wendy Williams would say—a hot topic surrounding a certain type of “socially unacceptable” behavior that men insist a lot of single women exhibit … “thirstiness.” And I’m not talking about feeling a need to drink something, but being too eager to get something (especially play), according to the urban dictionary.
This is a common conversation thread amongst men. Don’t think for a minute that men don’t gossip, because they do. They’re talking about single women aka “thirsty chicks” with each other, behind their backs, at the gym, on the courts, in the clubs, at church, on social networks and blogs … I’ve actually had quite a few disturbing and somewhat heated conversations, on several occasions, with pretty much every one of my male counterparts. It is a common consensus. They are convinced there is a rise of the planet of the “thirsty chicks.”
And, according to men (and some women agree, might I add), thirstiness is a single woman that is so desperate to be in a relationship or married that they’ll do anything, put up with anything, or settle for anyone just to have a man. They feel that thirsty chicks come on too strong and push themselves on men. Granted traditional roles (boy sees girl, boy likes girl, boy asks girl for her number) for getting to know someone has changed (now girls see boy, girl likes boy, girl asks boy for his number) and there are men that appreciate a woman who sees what she wants and goes after it, but there are many men who still prefer to pursue rather than be pursued.
They say thirsty chicks are aggressive and impatient–“Why does a woman have to rush everything and control the relationship? If I’m spending all my time with her, doing things for her and showing her how much I care about her, why would she have to have a title or label us? Every woman I’ve been with has tried to rush me into something,” ranted one of my close male friends, “they want you to put a ring on it and you’ve not even been with them that long … just thirsty!”–We debated back and forth about yet another stigma that the single female has to deal with, finally agreeing to disagree…
I can go on about conversations I’ve had, but I’ll let a few excerpts I stumbled upon, sum it up for you. Please note, what you are about to read are not my words, but I felt like the author did a good job of describing signs of a “thirsty chick” from a male’s perspective.
She latches on to a very superficial connection: This is the foundation for the thirst because no mutual interest has been expressed. She knows one or a few things about a man, and all of a sudden she’s friends with him. When she sees him in the street, she acts like they have been homies for years, whilst he cringes behind his forced smile as she approaches. And since he’s the only person on the street, avoidance is not an option. Sucks to be him.
She reaches out too much, too often: Maybe they are FB friends. Maybe she follows him on twitter. Maybe the man, with his nice-guy ways, gave her his phone number. Either way, she can reach out whenever she feels so inclined…which is all the time? Bear in mind, he never calls her. He never IMs her. He rarely hits her with a @reply. But she sees no issue with the one-way initiation of communication. She keeps on keeping on.
She is over the top with just about everything…and she thinks it’s cute: The thirsty woman doesn’t know anything about moderation. She’s overly flirtatious. She’s suggestive when it’s uninvited. She takes the sexy jokes a wee bit too far…and everyone knows it except her. As she giggles thinking she’s being cute, she doesn’t even notice that she’s being giggled at.
I’m going to keep my opinion to myself (for now), because I really want to know what, the readers think. Do you agree? Are some single women “thirsty?” Do you know any “thirsty chicks?” Are there any men reading this blog that agree or disagree?
I’m excited about all of you who read my post yesterday and left such wonderful messages on Facebook. Because of you, I’m back and excited about our Journey. A lot has changed since yesterday, like the new look of the blog site. You can even leave comments on the post or ask questions right here.
Now, if you haven’t already, please check out SiNgLe MoMmY FiLeS – “FiRsT StEpS”, its sort of the method to the madness behind this blog … okay, I’m kidding again–more like an intro that will give you a better understanding of who I am, why I am here, and possibly why you’re going to keep coming back. So go read it please! The rest of you come with me.
Well, I tucked my pride and joy into bed last night. Around 12:30ish, I crawled into bed just as I have every night (for the last four+ years), with intentions of getting a good night’s rest, especially knowing what 16 hours of Wednesday would consist of, granted I didn’t get a same-day call from TJ’s agent about an audition on the other side of town. That could throw my whole schedule off.
While looking at the computer screen of the laptop resting on my thighs–not sleeping at all–I realized that the past couple of months, my nights had been slightly different than all of the others before. I typed in my blog site address as that thought gave birth to this post. Pecking away at the keys, I discovered that wrapping up my day, getting ready for bed, while reflecting; in some way, some how, at some point, I had become content with being–a single woman.
Not single as in “dating,” or “in a relationship, but not married yet,” or in one of those “it’s complicated” situations, but single-single, as in “alone” or “without a potential, not even a prospect” single. I didn’t have a hubby anymore to tuck me in, or listen to me rant about my day (so glad I have you ;-)), or whisper sweet words of affirmation (my #1 love language) in my ear, or rub my back and feet (men if you’re reading, please take note), or cuddle with or nestle under, or even be irritated with because of his snoring AND something he did or didn’t do earlier that day (probably both) … just single. When I proofread this, it made me sad for the woman I was, just seven months ago, that longed for all of the above because I lacked what I wrote about next.
The difference this time around, was my comfortability with being by myself for reasons of self-fulfillment. Ladies stay focused, I’m not talking about physical self-fulfillment–You’re grown you do you, I am not, I repeat, I am not judging anyone. Uh uh, you won’t get that from me, I just want you to really focus on what I’m saying. Self-fulfillment–the ability to make yourself happy and complete through your own efforts–is the one thing that has kept me emotionally sane and helped me to ignore the pestering tick and the annoying tock of my biological clock, for most of my post-divorce period (4 years, 4 months and 81 days, but who’s counting?).
Now don’t you think for one minute that I got divorced and mastered the art of making oneself happy and harboring peace. You better believe that whenever I found myself low in self-esteem or depleted of self-fulfillment (such a natural, God-given commodity), singleness would torture me without fail.
I feel a need to say this now, YES you can live without a man for as long as you choose, and not because I did it. But you cannot truly live without self-fulfillment. Thinking that having a man–a hubby, lover, friend–will solve every one of your problems (maybe he will help with the kids or pay bills) but depending on him solely to make You happy or help You find peace, is not the biz-ness. In fact, most of the time, with this “codependency mentality,“ you often settle, and when its all said and done, you find yourself needing more than just the happiness and peace you were searching for outside of yourself–somebody please loosen this straight-jacket.
Just so we’re clear, I am so pro-love & marriage (get me the bumper sticker & tell me where to vote). I still believe in love at first sight & happily ever after, but I am definitely anti-codependent relationships.
That old saying we’ve all used or convinced ourselves was true (cue violin here), “we complete each other,” yes, that one, lose it, forget about it. In math 50 plus 50 is unequivocally equal to 100, but two people half-full or half-empty (however you want to look at it), together equal a couple with a lot of room for serious issues to fill up.
How did you stay single for so long? How did you find contentment being alone? You ask … well, you’ll have to come back and visit the blog. Apparently there will be a PaRt 2 of this “SiNgLeNeSs” post, because its 3:00a.m. and I have to get some sleep.
Until then my friend…
Hey there! Well here I am writing my very own blog for the first time about what it’s like to walk in my shoes. If you’re here you probably already read the little bio thingy, so you know that I’m a divorcee (call me naive, but I can honestly say I didn’t see that coming) AND I’m a single mom, which I take full pride in. As you may have suspected the little one kissing my cheek down there is my baby boy TJ (he would never approve of the following), but gosh, he’s one of the most phenomenally gifted, creative, compassionate, adorable little boys on the planet. I’m probably stretching it there with “on the planet,” but it’s my blog … my world … my lens … my prerogative … And I ’am kidding about the planet part.
Anyway, I’m so glad you’re here! I really want to be as open and honest as I possibly can. I hope to build something relatable and to write things that will resonate. I want to make you laugh or cry or say “hmmm.” I would hope to challenge, inspire, encourage, and maybe even help you see things from a different perspective … and give you whatever else it is you need.
This is just as much about me as it is about you. So, I’m going to need you to talk back to me. Tweet snglemommyfiles or Facebook SiNgLe MoMmY FiLeS suggestive topics, ask questions, or give constructive criticism on content, not grammar—we’re going to relax and have fun here. Be sure to follow me on both, for updates. And please no negativity. I ignore it.
I was a little flustered before this post. I had a long day, which is the Continue reading SiNgLe MoMmY FiLeS: First Steps