SmF Fam!!! How are you? I hope everyone that’s reading right now is in a good place, I certainly am, today, although, I must admit, I had a lil’ emotional breakdown a few days ago.
All I know is this, I was at a breaking point. I really can’t talk about what happened to cause this. And trust me, I have good reason, because y’all know I would gladly have y’all all up in my business, any other time.
Besides, the “what” is not always as important as the “why” or even “how.” And that’s what I plan to explain. I know I’ve told you time and time again that I’m not perfect. Maybe, I’ve left it out of a post or two or five, the point is you all know I said it. I have issues, problems arise, I’m faced with difficulties, and my breath stinks in the morning, just like everyone else’s does.
You know the old adage, when it rains it pours? Well, that’s what was happening in my life. I had been dealing with an issue that arose unexpectedly about a month or so ago, and it ended up setting in motion some other issues. Before I knew it, I was in the midst of a torrential downpour without an umbrella…at least that’s how I felt.
I had gotten to the point where I had had enough. I couldn’t take it any more and I was so frustrated at how things were turning out. Every time I tried to fix one problem, here was another presenting itself.
I had succumb to all the pressure. Truth is, we all do sometimes. I understood that that happened, I mean I’m only superwomen human. The problem was, I allowed myself to feel helpless and defeated and abandoned, when in fact, I was none of the above, at all.
Now let me just say, those that know me, know that I rarely, if ever, break down and cry. And if they’ve witnessed “me” crying in those rare occasions, I can guarantee it was at somebody’s funeral (I will cry at a stranger’s funeral if you invite me) or in a powerful church service, that’s about it.
But it got real serious SiNgLe MoMmIeS!. I think I might have yelled “I’m so tired of this!” at the top of my lungs, like I was 13, stumped into the bathroom like I was 8, slammed the door, like I was 16, and boo-hoo’d–scene complete with ugly face and all.
I was in there wondering why, why, why, questioning everything, my life, my decisions…my purpose. Yes, I went there. I got real extreme. And I’m sure, no positive, at that moment God sighed.
Boy did that “water-proof” mascara burn my eyes. By the time I got finished clowning I looked like a drunk raccoon, LOL! I can look back and laugh at myself now. Then, it obviously wasn’t funny.
And you know what, I mentioned those ages, but for real, that lil’ episode of mine was more of a temper-tantrum than an emotional breakdown. *smh* hmmm…definitely not my proudest moment.
I really had to pray. Eventually, I got myself together (some 20 minutes later) and emerged from that confined space (not really sure why I chose the bathroom) determined never to allow myself to revisit that place, in that condition, again, because I, authorista of SiNgLe MoMmY FiLeS, knew good and well that “It HaPpEnS So”. You know I had to revisit it and shout it out. TGFTB, Thank God For The Blog.
Anyway, with all that being said, I am a believer of another adage, things happen for a reason. So I knew there was something to be learned in my dark place, on the seat of a toilet, to be exact.
For the record, I am all about self-evaluation, looking introspectively, and growing, but someway, somehow, I let my insignificant problems get the best of me. This led me to believe that I wasn’t truly dealing with what was happening around me and what I was feeling inside, until it was too late, dark rings and red eyes too late. Oh, did I mention, I was embarrassed, because this drama scene was live in front of TJ? He hugged mommy afterwards…poor baby.
Most importantly, I realized SiNgLe MoMmIeS, that we can’t be strong all the time. And that’s okay, some times, even mentally and emotionally healthy, to feel overwhelmed and tired of the drama, our problems, bill collectors, baby daddies, or whatever it is that’s ailing you. And in those times, we’re entitled to throw short-term (<~notice the bold print, not too long now) temper-tantrums, pity parties or cry fests to get whatever we’re feeling out of our system, in order to be free, recover and move on.
The latter is what led me to write this post. I personally didn’t like being in that place. Not overwhelmed, that’s the norm, but feeling so helpless and defeated; something I knew I was not and do not ever profess to be.
You’re probably thinking I’m being too hard on myself, maybe, but I didn’t like the fact that I allowed myself to accept and embrace negativity, even if it was 20 minutes or so. I was definitely disappointed in myself because that’s something I’ve been trying to rid my life of and anyone or anything attached to it. Negativity, I’m off that!
Don’t worry, I’m much better now. That experience changed me. Anytime you can walk away from a situation with revelation and a determination not to find yourself there again, that’s definitely a sign of growth and maturity. So in the end, I’m proud of me.
Oh yea, the WrOnG MiStEr I mentioned in my last post, that I’m sure you all want to read about, will definitely have his debut soon, trust! He was worth being added to the series. But, I had to go with the flow and touch on something that I had been dealing with.
Plus, I peruse the social networks when I can, so SiNgLe MoMmiEs I see your tweets and Facebook posts and I know what you’re going through. A lot of you will be able to relate to this. That helps me to appreciate my experiences and be so candid about them, because I know they’re helping my SmF fam.
Well alright, it’s late. So I’ll see you next week, until then my friends…