Okay, so I really thought that it was time for me to dedicate an entire post to a sensitive subject that I’m sure a lot of us women know all about. Regardless of what team you’re representing; single, taken, married, or divorced; you’ve probably discussed it or have been blamed for doing it by a man at some point. And it’s something SiNgLe MoMmY FiLeS has coined as “BaGgAgE HaNdLeRs.”
Those of you that kept up with the “WrOnG MiStEr” series, particularly PaRt 2, you would know that I’m not talking about a Samsonite rolling suitcase or a TravelPro carry-on. I’m referring to the emotional and psychological issues that we women “allegedly” carry from one bad break-up or nasty divorce into a new and improved relationship.
First let me say, I can’t speak for every one of you, but I know that I have definitely been responsible for carrying baggage around. In fact, I accumulated a lot of it over the years, and walked away from the wasband and a six year marriage with a whole set of luggage, garment bag and all, which was more than I had to begin with. But, I also knew that if I wasn’t careful with my baggage and if I didn’t take the time needed to sort it out–hence my four year, 3 month hiatus–then I was definitely going into a new relationship with some serious, serious personal issues.
Issues…what issues you ask? Well for one and for two, my preconceived ideas and beliefs, and for three, trust or the lack thereof. Now ladies, if you’ve ever been cheated on, lied to, hurt, betrayed, or abused in any way (God forbid), in a past relationships, then you definitely left that situation with baggage.
Soooo, I’m not denying the fact that we, women, may all be very well guilty. I certainly am. What bothers me is the fact that most men believe that we are solely responsible for doing it. It has come up in several conversations with my male counterparts, and they have all stereotypically associated “BaGgAgE HaNdLiNg” with women, just like with the ThIrStInEsS.
Trust me, I’ve argued and represented us well, but at some times, to no avail. I decided to hit the world, wide web to find something in writing about this from a male’s perspective and low and behold, I stumbled upon some disturbing info. There were several sources, but AskMen went as far as to call us the “Walking Wounded”– women who’ve been hurt by men in the past and carry psychological damage and unresolved anger into present relationships,” so I decided to use excerpts from their 6 Signs You’re Dating A Woman With Baggage article:
1- She’s on emotional roller coaster: One day she’s your best friend, the next she won’t even speak to you; one night she’s a sexual animal, the next she’s as cold as January in Siberia. And all – from your point of view – for no apparent reason.
2- She constantly evades you: With women like this, it’s always one step forward and 10 steps back. She will show interest – even extreme interest – and then suddenly and inexplicably become unavailable. No matter what you do, no matter how often you call her, she’s gone – and you won’t see her again for weeks or even months.
Then out of the blue, she’ll reappear with a big smile on her face, ready to go. And the whole vicious circle will start all over again, leaving you perplexed and bewildered.
3- She wants what she can’t have: She reacts emotionally to the hurt in her past. She has all the normal biological urges to be with a man, and genuinely wants to have a successful relationship, but the very second her emotions are aroused, the lurking demon of her buried hurt rears its ugly head and she runs away.
In her psychology, relationships equate pain. The sad fact is, the nicer you are, the faster she’ll run. This is why many of the Walking Wounded seek out emotionally unavailable men.
4- She doesn’t do as she says: She’ll tell you she loves you and wants to do everything in her power to make sure the relationship lasts. Then she’ll start treating you like crap. She’ll tell you she’s wants a commitment, then she’ll cheat on you. Don’t take her at her word; instead look at her actions and judge her on that instead.
5- She’s angry at men: Many of the Walking Wounded are extremely angry at men. They blame us for all their problems. Men are “jerks” and “users.”
When a woman’s hurt is milder, she may sublimate her inner anger by gravitating toward female-dominated careers (to limit her opportunities for meeting men), or by filling up every moment of her day and night with work, classes, sports, etc.
6- She has a history of abuse: Untreated victims of any kind of abuse are often emotionally unstable and harbor lots of inner pain, which manifests itself in their romantic lives. The Walking Wounded are frighteningly erratic (often through no fault of their own) – you just never know what you’re going to get. One minute they love you and the next they’re picking fights or screaming at you for some imagined transgression on your part.
They are often unsoundly jealous, and will accuse you of having affairs without any evidence. Sometimes they’re overly sexual, but many times they’re not sexual at all, or certain sexual behaviors remind them of the abuse, making them freak out during lovemaking. These are women in dire need of professional therapy.
Wow! So there you have it ladies! One more stereotype that we have to deal with as women. There were probably some things that you read above that you were able to identify with or relate to or even admit to having to change. And that’s all good. I want SiNgLe MoMmY FiLeS to challenge, inspire, encourage, and maybe even help you see things from a different perspective. But I also want it to be a place where we learn what we’re up against so we can proceed with caution when it comes to dating or relationships or even marriage.
The purpose of this post was not to man-bash or to place blame, the way that they do. We’re grown women and we take responsibility for our actions, right? And I know that there are some great single men out there waiting on you…on me…on us. I truly believe that. But for every great man, there are a few bad representatives whose whole idea of women is built on these dreaded stereotypes–most men insist we own alone. So whatever you do ladies, always, always, use now to work on you, and in the future try avoiding these kind of men at all costs. Have a great weekend ladies!
Hope to see you Monday! Until then…