As promised, here’s part 2 of the SiNgLeNeSs post. Please check out: SiNgLe MoMmY FiLeS – “SiNgLeNeSs” Pt. 1, if you haven’t already. The rest of you please follow me.
So, I had a pretty interesting weekend. Despite the high temps, clear skies and sun (that people took full advantage of), I laid around disorientated, drinking tea, somewhat comforted, yet slightly disturbed by a heating pad, and too lazy to Google whether or not having it on high could possibly fry my ovaries … sounds crazy right? I know. I get that way sometimes and it’s not my fault—as I have tried to explain to men—I was at the mercy of Mother Nature who showed up this month with a vengeance. She had her foot in my lower back it seemed and she made me miserable and irritated and found new ways to torture me…sort of the same way a mother-in-law does. I know, I know, that’s not nice, but it’s the truth, for many.
Remember early on in the SiNgLeNeSs post when I mentioned that I realized “I had become content with being–a single woman?” I had, but it wasn’t an easy process on any level, as I’m sure some of you can attest or argue. But for me, it was more so having to take care of my son as a single mom–by default, not necessarily choice—and failing at the thing that represented a defining moment in my life. The being alone part hurt deeply at times, considering that I married with the intention of forever.
So trust me, I understand what being alone feels like. I’ve lived it, walked it out, and slept that way for over four years (and still counting). I’m not implying that being single is ideal for everyone. It isn’t for me. Let me tell you, I wanted to be in love, someone’s wife, and an angel’s mother–more than anything in the world–as far back as I can remember (elementary school to be exact). It was then, that I fell in love with the first boy of my dreams…I’ll call him N.B. for short. In my mind, we were destined to be married, have 2.5 children, live in a house with a white picket fence, and a little dog, and live happily ever after.
I didn’t marry my first love aka my middle school and high school boyfriend surprisingly, but a couple of boyfriend’s, break-ups, and heartaches later, I did fall in love with another young man who would become my friend, first husband, the father of my child, enemy, ex, and friend again, all within a six year period.
Granted after divorce I really wasn’t pressed to be in a relationship. Honestly, I wasn’t up for trusting another man with my heart. I was broken, a little bitter, disgusted with men…and tired of the hurt that they all seemed to have caused at some point in my life. Then, above all, I had my son to care for and a lot to think about; I was real grown with someone depending solely on me. And I knew my decisions—good or bad—would ultimately affect his life.
I had no plans of casually dating OR sexing with anyone–which seemed to be most men’s objective (let me just say, I am not man-bashing, so men, if the shoe doesn’t fit, it’s not yours). I refused to deal with another man’s lies, infidelity, immaturity, irresponsibility, or baby mama drama at the expense of my own deserved happiness. And just so you know, I dealt with four out of the five (of the above) with a divorced man I had met after mine was finalized. We weren’t even in a relationship and he was still clowning, so I was good with all of that. I had decided that I would not allow anyone else to hurt me. I was guarding my heart, which I realized was just the first phase of singleness for me. There was obviously a lot of healing that needed to take place, baggage I had to start unloading, and responsibility I had to take for my part in my failed marriage before I would ever be ready for another relationship.
As time went on, singleness would taunt me. I could barely watch love stories (my favorite genre), or watch a couple’s PDA, or enjoy a married couple’s company, without yearning for love. Loneliness was robbing me of my happiness and peace yet again, just as my failing marriage had, and I could not allow myself to experience that all over again.
I refused to put on a front and be miserable married, celebrating anniversary after anniversary, just to say I was married–which is why I chose divorce–and I was certain that I wouldn’t be that way, single either. So I fought for what belonged to me. I prayed. I cried. I prayed some more. Some battles I lost to broken-heartedness, disbelief, and depression. Some battles…I won…because I had to…for my son and my sanity. And needless to say, I would not have made it through without my own personal relationship with God—not a man.
Eventually, my wounds healed, and some scars faded, and my load got a little lighter. When I thought about it, I wasn’t happy in the end being married. Neither was I happy after it was all said and done, being single. And, it wasn’t just a matter of being with the right or wrong person, it was a matter of me; not him or them, but me finding my own happiness and my own peace and pursuing it. It was then, that I realized two things. 1) Happiness was not guaranteed based on my marital status and 2) I was the one in control of it. I’m throwing in number three for free; 3) Either I was going to be happy or not, whether I was single or not. Point. Blank. Period. It was my choice and my decision to embrace self-fulfillment–the ability to make yourself happy and complete through your own efforts.
So I’m saying this again, YES you can live without a man and be happy, really happy, for as long as you choose, but you cannot truly live without self-fulfillment, single or not.